So I am really having a hard time lately, and I just need to get this out there. I would love to write about all that God is teaching me and be spiritual but the reality is that I am really struggling. I feel like most people that I know get what they want, they get to get pregnant when they want, they get the delivery that they want. I do know that many many women out there don't get to get pregnant when they want and some are never able to get pregnant at all. I know that some women have horrible deliveries and some deliver their babies right to Jesus. But in my circle of people that I know personally, it feels like they get what they want.
I just don't get why this is so hard for me to let go of, but somehow I feel that if I fight to get pregnant when I want and if I try to get the midwife or doctor that I want that it will help somehow. But in reality, it hasn't helped me ONE BIT!! I didn't get pregnant for a year and a half after I wanted to, and I didn't get ONE single doctor I asked for!!! And it sucks, I feel angry, I just want to feel like I am in control, and I am not. I know that God knows how many children I will have and how I will deliver each one, and somehow I think that maybe, just maybe, if I just let it all go, that it might not be stressful, but somehow I have convinced myself that fighting for control of all this will help. And it isn't helping, I am trying to pin a wave on the sand here. This is out of my hands and I am sick of being reminded of that. I still want to hang on to what I want, thinking that it will make a difference, but knowing with dread that it won't make one single little bit of difference.
Again, I don't know why this is so hard for me to get. I have not faith obviously, and you would think that after a year and a half of wrestling with God and wondering if he would ever give me another child would have taught me something about trust and something about the God I am trusting. It really is the same thing, getting pregnant and delivery. The struggle to relinquish and admit that God is in control, and that he SHOULD be, and that it is better that way, it is still there. I never worry about Theo, and if something will happen to him, or that God would take him away, or even this little one in me. It is just these two things I can't seem to get a grip on. And it is humiliating, and humbling to recognize how little I trust my Saviour, when I should be ready to trust him with every little detail of my life, because of who he is! He is a good God, if he ever gave me children, or gives me more, he is still a good God! He is still a good God even if I have another C-section. And he is worthy of my trust....
But I just want to hold on to what I want....

"Easy is what I call this, who knows what easy means.
The more I try to make this happen, the less it's clear to me.
The hope that keeps me moving, is in your promises to me.
And right that's enough, it's going to have to be.

Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No, sometimes that's the way it goes,
Your not giving any secrets away. Who's to know, Who's to blame
Sometimes it's hard to live this way. Holding on, letting go, when it's
Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No.

I wanna know just what it looks like, what the answer's gonna be.
I wanna grab a hold of something, to give me some security.
I know it's You I'm hearing, gently helping me to see,
When everything I've prayed for, is not Your will for me.

Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No, sometimes that's the way it goes,
Your not giving any secrets away. Who's to know, Who's to blame
Sometimes it's hard to live this way, holding on, letting go, when it's
Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No.

It's not poetic justice, that has me waiting all this while.
It's the way a loving Father, deals with His child.
So this is how I'm learning, holding on, and letting go.
When it's Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No. "

~ Jill Paquette - Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No

So it's been another lull here on the blog again. I was really sick two weeks ago, the week of Theo's 2nd birthday. When I think back to that week it is a blur. I can't believe I even got a cake made for him. It was rough, and it makes to sad to think that there was so much I wanted to do to make that day special for him, and I just couldn't. I meant to post a letter on here that I have been working on for his second birthday, but it didn't even get finished, still isn't. So it will have to happen another day. I am sorta of glad he isn't old enough to know that I was too sick to do much, he just loved his balloons and cake and presents and delighted in all the love and attention. He really is such a joy and watching him grow these last two years has been such a privilege, I have to remind myself to enjoy sometimes, I get lost in the duty of parenting, and forget to delight in him.
Anyway, this is random thoughts...sorry for the lack of structure.
Theo just woke up from his nap, so I guess this is all for now, hopefully I will be back soon.

Wordless Wednesday

(This is what happens when mommy takes a shower while Theo feeds 'self' as he says.)

Theo

Lots more thoughts swirling around my head these days, but I thought maybe I would take a break and post something a little lighter. SO, I thought I would put up a picture or two of one of my favorite subjects, Theo. He has been helping me with the dishes everyday this week and he LOVES it! It is fun too and it gives us something to do together. Anyway, we went to Banff this month so here are a few pictures of that.

Dreams

I love music. It has always spoken to the deepest part of my soul. If at any given time I were able to express myself through any means, I would quote lyrics. Somewhere out there someone will have written something that seems to adequately express what my heart is feeling and have put it to music. I love all different kinds of music too, the only kind I can't stand it screaming, hard rock stuff. Maybe if I could understand the words I would like some, but I can't get past the loud angry screaming. :) And I can memorize songs SO fast. I wish all scripture had music too it, I could have the whole Bible memorized. ;)
Anyway, the subjects of dreams has been on my mind a lot lately. The song 'Dreams' by the Cranberries has been a favorite of mine and one of the lines that has been playing over and over in my mind is, " Oh my life, is changing everyday, in every possible way and my dreams, it's never quiet as it seems, never quiet as it seems." The truth of this struck me. How many dreams have I had for my life, and even if you get what you think you wanted, the reality is never the same as the dream. For example...

Dream: That our honeymoon would be bliss, and that our first year would also be bliss.
Reality: Our honeymoon was not so great and our first year was full of arguments and frustrations and misunderstanding. (It did get much better, our second year was our 'honeymoon stage' :) )

Dream: That I would have lots of children (which I guess could still happen) and that my first two would be 18 months apart at most.
Reality: I wasn't able to get pregnant for a year and half after Theo and so our first two will be 2 1/2 years apart. This is still hard for me. Most people I know here have their second before their first is two. And every time some one asks me when I am due and how old Theo is and I can see the figuring out the space in their head I cringe. I want to jump in and say, 'It wasn't my plan, it wasn't what I wanted.' And then I feel immediately disappointed with my lack of love and faith in a God that gave us our children exactly when he want us to have them and spaced in a way that He thought best. I need to work on this, but again, the reality has been hard.

Dream: That I would be a wonderful homemaker, making wonderful healthy meals and raising my son the way I know he should be, always being consistent and loving.
Reality: That I fall so short. I often resort to things that are easy over healthy, and that I am so inconsistent which cause myself and Theo frustration. That all of these things take an enormous amount of time and work and patience, and I just assumed it would come, poof, and I would be good at it. Hello, it is HARD to be disciplined enough yourself to do these things!!!

Dream: That I could give my children everything that I thought was important, being able to read to them ALL the time, teach them sign language, have them listen to things in other languages so they could expand that part of their brain, wanting to travel with them, take them to resorts, to missions fields, to have them be able to camp, boat, buy them nice clothes etc.
Reality: Well, this has been a bit more of a re-prioritizing and realizing what kind of investments are important. Do my children need to do all these things in order to know how to love the Lord their God with all of their heart, soul and mind? Many of things may hinder that. Do I still want to take them to see other countries? YES! Mostly because I want them too see how little people need to be thankful and the serve God. I don't know if this one makes sense to anybody else, I think it is just a matter of seeing all the things that people who have lots of money can give their children, and feeling like maybe my child is missing out, but realizing that most things that money can buy are all temporal, and that hiding the Word of God in their heart is FAR more valuable in the long run.


Well, I know this is long, but these are things I have been pondering. I have come to realize that it isn't bad to dream, even if the reality is different. The book The Allure of Hope really helped me to understand that often the dream (or the desire as the book would put it) isn't a bad thing to dream about. Often we dream of (or desire) wonderful things, but we don't live in the garden of Eden. :) And it is in our desires that God deals with our hearts. What desires have become idols? (I could do a whole other post on idols, but I am just starting to understand this a bit more) And how are we allowing God to work in the reality? I have failed a lot lately at allowing God to work in the reality, instead I have been pouting over the lose of the dream. It doesn't make for joyful living. I have a long way to go.

"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream that I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark, through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream that I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream. "
- Dream, by Priscilla Ahn

So today I just have to say is going well. I have been so so sick lately, and it is super discouraging, and I have been having a hard time finding to joy in each day. However, today I have played with my little boy, building towers, doing puzzles, got him fed, did the dishes, and have super in the crock pot all before 10am! This is big for me. I could be sad that something that is such a big deal for me is something that most mothers do every morning without much effort and with more then one child, but it is what it is and I am just thankful that I had the energy today to accomplish what I want to get done.
Theo is so funny. He has been running around with the rolling pin singing dum dum dum. I think he is pretending to play the guitar. He is such a delight and if I could stop being lazy and be consistent with him about some little things he needs corrected, I think I would do nothing but just delight in his smiles and all his little antics and everything that makes him Theo. Today he said to me, 'Mama, sit, play with Theo.' And when you ask him how he is supposed to ask for things, he says very slowly and deliberately 'may...i....please...have...try it?' So cute. Anyway, I just have to write these things somewhere, I don't want to forget, but I know I will, so I am writing it here.
As far as pregnancy, I am starting to show, and even though I can't feel the baby move yet it is more real to me everyday and my love and excitement are growing. We are not going to find out the gender so we are going to call the baby Little Boo till he/she is born and we can give them the name we have picked out. I am just so excited, I can't wait for the moment I can hold Boo in my my arms and kiss that little face and look into those little eyes. Oh how my heart has ached for this child and knowing that each day brings me closer to having Boo in my arms makes me oh so happy!
Anyway, this is just a lot of rambling, but I feel good today, and I haven't had a lot of days like that in the last couple months, so I am going to embrace it and enjoy my happy day.

Ha

Ha - so much for blogging once a week, it's been like almost 3 months!! Yikes.
Well, the big news is that I am pregnant. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I keep wanting to say that God is so good in giving us a child, but I know in my heart that he would still be a good God without giving us another child. So we thank him for who he is and for his gifts to us that we are so undeserving of.
Life has been busy. And pregnancy turns me into a different person. One I don't really like. The pregnant me has no energy, ever, and feels nauseous every afternoon and evening, for almost 9 months. (at least with the last one, this shows no sign of letting up at 4 months here, so I expect it will be the same) The pregnant me never invites people over. Pregnant me never writes or calls people back. (Well, to be honest I am TERRIBLE at that in the first place, it's just even worse now.) Pregnant me exposes all those areas where I lack motivation and self-discipline and accentuates my selfishness to like the millionth degree and I am left feeling like a failure most days. This is all very hard to say because I want children like a fat kid wants a smartie, or like a fish wants (I guess needs) water. I want a whole house bursting full of them. And my excitement over this next baby just overwhelms me sometimes. I am excited about labor and about holding this little one. BUT I don't do pregnancy well, and I just need to learn how to live being pregnant, because something isn't working and I am not a fun person to be married to or be friends with when I am pregnant.
Anyway, all that to say I am excited/have a lot to work on these days, so I will press on and pray that each day will make me more like Christ. My hubby needs the computer, so I will write again another day, and hopefully not 3 months from now. :)