So I am really having a hard time lately, and I just need to get this out there. I would love to write about all that God is teaching me and be spiritual but the reality is that I am really struggling. I feel like most people that I know get what they want, they get to get pregnant when they want, they get the delivery that they want. I do know that many many women out there don't get to get pregnant when they want and some are never able to get pregnant at all. I know that some women have horrible deliveries and some deliver their babies right to Jesus. But in my circle of people that I know personally, it feels like they get what they want.
I just don't get why this is so hard for me to let go of, but somehow I feel that if I fight to get pregnant when I want and if I try to get the midwife or doctor that I want that it will help somehow. But in reality, it hasn't helped me ONE BIT!! I didn't get pregnant for a year and a half after I wanted to, and I didn't get ONE single doctor I asked for!!! And it sucks, I feel angry, I just want to feel like I am in control, and I am not. I know that God knows how many children I will have and how I will deliver each one, and somehow I think that maybe, just maybe, if I just let it all go, that it might not be stressful, but somehow I have convinced myself that fighting for control of all this will help. And it isn't helping, I am trying to pin a wave on the sand here. This is out of my hands and I am sick of being reminded of that. I still want to hang on to what I want, thinking that it will make a difference, but knowing with dread that it won't make one single little bit of difference.
Again, I don't know why this is so hard for me to get. I have not faith obviously, and you would think that after a year and a half of wrestling with God and wondering if he would ever give me another child would have taught me something about trust and something about the God I am trusting. It really is the same thing, getting pregnant and delivery. The struggle to relinquish and admit that God is in control, and that he SHOULD be, and that it is better that way, it is still there. I never worry about Theo, and if something will happen to him, or that God would take him away, or even this little one in me. It is just these two things I can't seem to get a grip on. And it is humiliating, and humbling to recognize how little I trust my Saviour, when I should be ready to trust him with every little detail of my life, because of who he is! He is a good God, if he ever gave me children, or gives me more, he is still a good God! He is still a good God even if I have another C-section. And he is worthy of my trust....
But I just want to hold on to what I want....
"Easy is what I call this, who knows what easy means.
The more I try to make this happen, the less it's clear to me.
The hope that keeps me moving, is in your promises to me.
And right that's enough, it's going to have to be.
Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No, sometimes that's the way it goes,
Your not giving any secrets away. Who's to know, Who's to blame
Sometimes it's hard to live this way. Holding on, letting go, when it's
Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No.
I wanna know just what it looks like, what the answer's gonna be.
I wanna grab a hold of something, to give me some security.
I know it's You I'm hearing, gently helping me to see,
When everything I've prayed for, is not Your will for me.
Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No, sometimes that's the way it goes,
Your not giving any secrets away. Who's to know, Who's to blame
Sometimes it's hard to live this way, holding on, letting go, when it's
Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No.
It's not poetic justice, that has me waiting all this while.
It's the way a loving Father, deals with His child.
So this is how I'm learning, holding on, and letting go.
When it's Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No. "
~ Jill Paquette - Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No
