I love music. It has always spoken to the deepest part of my soul. If at any given time I were able to express myself through any means, I would quote lyrics. Somewhere out there someone will have written something that seems to adequately express what my heart is feeling and have put it to music. I love all different kinds of music too, the only kind I can't stand it screaming, hard rock stuff. Maybe if I could understand the words I would like some, but I can't get past the loud angry screaming. :) And I can memorize songs SO fast. I wish all scripture had music too it, I could have the whole Bible memorized. ;)
Anyway, the subjects of dreams has been on my mind a lot lately. The song 'Dreams' by the Cranberries has been a favorite of mine and one of the lines that has been playing over and over in my mind is, " Oh my life, is changing everyday, in every possible way and my dreams, it's never quiet as it seems, never quiet as it seems." The truth of this struck me. How many dreams have I had for my life, and even if you get what you think you wanted, the reality is never the same as the dream. For example...
Dream: That our honeymoon would be bliss, and that our first year would also be bliss.
Reality: Our honeymoon was not so great and our first year was full of arguments and frustrations and misunderstanding. (It did get much better, our second year was our 'honeymoon stage' :) )
Dream: That I would have lots of children (which I guess could still happen) and that my first two would be 18 months apart at most.
Reality: I wasn't able to get pregnant for a year and half after Theo and so our first two will be 2 1/2 years apart. This is still hard for me. Most people I know here have their second before their first is two. And every time some one asks me when I am due and how old Theo is and I can see the figuring out the space in their head I cringe. I want to jump in and say, 'It wasn't my plan, it wasn't what I wanted.' And then I feel immediately disappointed with my lack of love and faith in a God that gave us our children exactly when he want us to have them and spaced in a way that He thought best. I need to work on this, but again, the reality has been hard.
Dream: That I would be a wonderful homemaker, making wonderful healthy meals and raising my son the way I know he should be, always being consistent and loving.
Reality: That I fall so short. I often resort to things that are easy over healthy, and that I am so inconsistent which cause myself and Theo frustration. That all of these things take an enormous amount of time and work and patience, and I just assumed it would come, poof, and I would be good at it. Hello, it is HARD to be disciplined enough yourself to do these things!!!
Dream: That I could give my children everything that I thought was important, being able to read to them ALL the time, teach them sign language, have them listen to things in other languages so they could expand that part of their brain, wanting to travel with them, take them to resorts, to missions fields, to have them be able to camp, boat, buy them nice clothes etc.
Reality: Well, this has been a bit more of a re-prioritizing and realizing what kind of investments are important. Do my children need to do all these things in order to know how to love the Lord their God with all of their heart, soul and mind? Many of things may hinder that. Do I still want to take them to see other countries? YES! Mostly because I want them too see how little people need to be thankful and the serve God. I don't know if this one makes sense to anybody else, I think it is just a matter of seeing all the things that people who have lots of money can give their children, and feeling like maybe my child is missing out, but realizing that most things that money can buy are all temporal, and that hiding the Word of God in their heart is FAR more valuable in the long run.
Well, I know this is long, but these are things I have been pondering. I have come to realize that it isn't bad to dream, even if the reality is different. The book The Allure of Hope really helped me to understand that often the dream (or the desire as the book would put it) isn't a bad thing to dream about. Often we dream of (or desire) wonderful things, but we don't live in the garden of Eden. :) And it is in our desires that God deals with our hearts. What desires have become idols? (I could do a whole other post on idols, but I am just starting to understand this a bit more) And how are we allowing God to work in the reality? I have failed a lot lately at allowing God to work in the reality, instead I have been pouting over the lose of the dream. It doesn't make for joyful living. I have a long way to go.
"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream that I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark, through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream that I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream. "
- Dream, by Priscilla Ahn
