I think that my posts are probably all too serious, but whatever, I can't help it, this is how I process. I would write more but all my fabulous posts are created when I am already in bed and if I get up to type them out then I would never get to sleep and well, sleep is essential these days. So they remain in my head. :)
So tough times these days. I have to admit that I am realizing how much I am someone that really likes to look like I have it all together, or that our marriage is great or that I am a good mom. I don't mind being real with people, but I am realizing how much I don't want to be too real, or too honest, because then someone might realize how ugly my sin is, or how much I am inconsistent as a parent, or how selfish I am as a wife. It's painful to feel exposed. Brian and I have had to face some tough things these last two weeks, and I have had to face the fact that sometimes there is no hiding the ugliness and the pain that can come from living side by side as two sinners. I have felt more anger and more love for Brian then I thought possible, at the same time. And it is true that love has the ability to preserve a relationship, to keep you from saying and doing things that you would regret when not in the heat of the moment. I have been amazed but thankful for the love God gave me for my husband. Part of wanting to maintain a sort of perfect image is wanting people to believe that my husband is perfect too, because I know how harshly I judge him for his faults (too harshly!) and I figure others will do the same. Not that I need to talk badly about him or air his dirty laundry, I do want to respect him by speaking well of him, but he is no more perfect then I am, and that's ok.
Anyway, all that too say that life went from predictable and somewhat stable to being unpredictable and unsettling. And it has meant once again letting go of things that I once dreamed possible for this year. As I struggle through letting go, and grieving through letting go, and being heart broken over the ugliness of sin and selfishness I have been reminded of something my dad once said. It was something to the effect that God is more concerned about our process of sanctification then about the momentary want or desire of our hearts. It's not that he doesn't care about the things that matter to us, about the things we dream of (like actually living in a house someday, having five or more children and delivering most of them naturally) but he cares more that we become like him. And sometimes we can't have what we want right now, because it wouldn't stretch us, it wouldn't call us out of ourselves. Oh how I want those things I want, I want my dreams fulfilled, exactly how I want them, and there are more moments then not when I am not thankful for these hard lessons, these times when things are withheld that I desire so much. But it is comforting to know that at least someone is in control, and that really, there isn't anything that is for nothing. That is my comfort on the bad days, and I am thankful that God loves me, more then I know.

I don't mean to make this longer, but we need some lightness around here, and it is about time I put some pictures on. My little boy is growing so fast right before my eyes and I just love him to pieces. Today he was trying to sing 'Jesus loves me' 'Jesus loves the little children' and 'Deep and Wide' all togethers. It came out something like 'Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to him belong..Yes Jesus loves me, Jesus loves the little children, deep and wide..." Haha, so sweet, I love hearing him sing! I hope he loves music! I could go on and on I am sure, but I should finish this and go get something done. :) Here are some pictures...