Life these days..

I can't believe that Christmas is in like 4 days!! Crazy! We have been busy doing lots of this..
Making cookies to take to our little friends and older people that have been investing in T's life. He had so much fun delivering them.


Doing puzzles.. I am working on another one right now. I have a love hate relationship with puzzles. I love doing them but I wish I was faster at recognizing pieces. It is a great way to learn to pay attention to detail though.

I finished the Mitford series which is why I am doing puzzles for now. I am always sad to finish books I love, it is like saying goodbye to an old friend. I will have to read them again in a year or so. I was so sad when I finished the The Fisherman's Lady and The Marquis Secret. Loved those ones. I have yet to find another set of books I am into yet. Any suggestions?

Taking pictures of the boys. Love how in this picture T is laughing with such abandon. Kids Joy is so contagious and it's for real. They don't fake things.


Today I found T putting a hockey stick in Soren's hand, he just can't wait for him to grow up and play with him.

Loving reading this (http://www.passionatehomemaking.com) woman's blog. She is so balanced and her heart for God echo's my own. I find my self often reading the same books as she is, or looking at ones she has read and finding them right up my ally. Her approach to nutrition is amazing, and yet if you read about what she wrote on Nutrition and Priority, well, her heart is in the right place for sure!! Anyway, I am thankful for what I can learn from this blogging community.

And last of all, today is Elisabeth Elliot's Birthday. I know Jim Elliot's testimony has touched and impacted millions of people, but the woman who was left behind, Amazing!! Her books and hearing her speak have had a HUGE impact on my life. I appreciate her self-discipline and her obedience to God. She is by far my favourite author, and I am thankful for her life.

I will post again soon with my new years goals, still working on that. Until then Merry Christmas to all.

Dear Theo

I just need you to know how much I love you. I am not so good at showing it most of the time, because often I am busy, too busy to read books, too busy to play hockey, too busy to let you do dishes with me, too busy to bake with you or do crafts. But I am learning, that I should be too busy because I am doing these things with you.
You have changed so much in the last six months, really become such a boy. I don't even really think of you as a toddler anymore. You say things like "I am laying on the couch because it is comfortable." You can have a conversation with me like an adult, tell me all about when some knocks at the door when I am in the shower (you even tell them to come in, YIKES! Good thing we live in an apartment with people who know better then to listen to a 2 1/2 year old lol) Here are some of the things I love most about you right now....

- Your imagination! Boy can you entertain yourself for such looong periods of time making up stories with the few tractors and trucks that you have. I love listening to the 'conversations' that your lego men carry on too.

- The way you walk around the house and randomly spout off verses that you have learned, like 'Seek the Lord while he may be found" and "The heavens declare the glory of God" (which you say in a very sing song voice) and of course random pieces of Ps. 23 that come out here and there. It encourages me to keep teaching you more.

-The way you call the kitchen floor your ice, and haul your hockey stick and rubber wheels off one of you trucks that you have made 'pucks' and you run around in circles and slide to the ground and say touchdown. Your daddy will have to explain some of these sports terms to you eventually.

-I love how much you love your friends. Don't get me wrong, you are still a little wretch sometimes and push them and steal their toys from them, but you get SOOOO excited when you see them, you can hardly contain yourself. And sometimes you are just so excited to see them you don't even notice when they are annoyed with you, or are upset, you just think its a game and laugh.

-It melts my heart when you say t'amo (italian for I love you) to me at night when you go to bed.

-It cracks me up when you go to do something and then say "This is not a good idea."

-I love when you come up to me and ask me to check your armpits because that's what you dad says when he is going to tickle them.

-When your daddy goes to leave for work or anything really, and you say Papa, give me a kiss. :)

-I love the way you love Soren, how you can't stop giving him kisses sometimes, or you try and make him laugh, or come tell me that Soren is a good boy, or how you sing to him when he is sad. God knew you would be the perfect big brother for Soren.

Some days are challenging, actually a lot of days are challenging lately. You are a sinner in your heart and your desire is not always to obey. But I want you to love Jesus so much, and I want it to be easy for you to follow and obey Him, so we butt heads, and there are tears, from both you and me, and we are learning together how to be mother and son, and you the first born will probably get the brunt of a lot of things. But your spirit is strong, you have so much joy and laughter and forgiveness, and I am SO thankful for the way that God made you and we love you very much! It does my heart good to write these things too you, to remember the good things, to remember to praise you for you are indeed "fearfully and wonderfully made"!

Motherhood

Today has been a much better day! Like I mentioned in the last post some things around here really need to change. Starting with my attitude most days. :)

I am finding though that as much as I love being out and about every morning it isn't really the best thing for the kids. It is nice for T to get out of the house and play with friends, and it's great to visit with other mom's, but I am seeing that T's behaviour is suffering from it. Being out is not always conducive to dealing with disobedience, and we have seen T's defiance hit a whole new level recently. So I think it is time to stay home more than go out in the mornings and spend some time working on things. This is, after all, my job, and I need to walk in obedience to God when it comes to training my children. I want them to learn absolute obedience at this stage because I truly believe that one day it will be easier for them to obey God without knowing why are what the outcome will be.

Another thing is that I really want to homeschool, and I was thinking about how it would probably be a good idea to set aside time now to start working on verses, counting, alphabet ect. This little boy is such a sponge and why not start now, so that when it becomes more structured and more intense I guess, it will already be part of our routine.

I have felt more lately the weight of this thing called motherhood. It is such a high calling. I have been thinking a lot about Mary this Christmas. What was it like for her to find out she was pregnant when she wasn't probably mentally ready to be at all? What was it like to go through labor in a barn? How did Joseph handle labor, did he know how to help Mary, encourage her, who cut the cord, or was there a cord? I digress.... The song Labor of Love by Andrew Peterson just really made me think about what did Mary feel that night as she experienced labor for the first time with probably just animals and Joseph there with her? Birth seems to be a big subject in this town, and the kind of birth most people would like to have, but really only God knows and ordains that and I am pretty sure if you had to ask Mary it was nowhere on her birth plan to give birth in a stable!

It was not a silent night
There was blood on the ground
You could hear a woman cry
In the alleyways that night
On the streets of David's town

And the stable was not clean
And the cobblestones were cold
And little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
Had no mother's hand to hold

It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love

Also I was struck by the song Candlelight Carol, and the verse that says this...
Shepherds and wisemen will kneel and adore him,
Seraphim round him their vigil will keep;
Nations proclaim him their Lord and their Savior,
but Mary will hold him and sing him to sleep.

What an amazing challenge and privilege for Mary. What do I hold in my arms? Secretly I sometimes hope it is another Martin Luther, or John Calvin, or Hudson Taylor or Keith Green (I hope one of them play piano like that). How am I preparing my boys for that kind of calling? I so want to learn the balance between being hard enough on myself to act and train and love these children as God has called me too, and being too hard on myself so that some days training them feels hopeless, and my sins are overwhelming to me. I am for sure overwhelmed and thankful for his grace.

Bad Day

Today was not a great day. And I really want to blog, but I know that if I stay up and write, tomorrow will not be so great either. I just needed to get that out there and say that today was not so good, and I hope tomorrow is better. Some things need to change around here, lots of things, and I feel overwhelmed. And I would love to blog more but I am making myself go to bed. Loving this song these days (not that my trials are very big, but still, God is faithful in the big and little things), and SO thankful for new mercies...

When Trials Come by Keith & Kristyn Getty

When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow
As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You
Your love endures Your ways are good
Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it’s shadow I shall run
Till You completes the work begun
Till You completes the work begun

One day all things will be made new
I’ll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoL3wY4KwA8 (Can't figure out how to make it link so you can just click but this is So worth the watch)

Soren

Updated: I added a few more things about Soren that I forgot, but want to write down.

Before Soren was born his name was long debated. We knew we wanted another child right after Theo so 3 months after he was born we decided that whenever we got pregnant would be great with us, I was hoping that by the time Theo was 6 months we would for sure have another little one on the way. So we started talking names, but not with a lot of success, we couldn't agree on one we loved A year and a half later, a lot of tears, a lot of listening to other's 'announcements' of being pregnant, a lot of watching others have their second, a lot of wrestling with God, in the most stressful month possible out of that time of wanting to be pregnant, and I was finally pregnant. In the waiting we of course agreed on Soren, and this was a year before I even knew I was pregnant.
We love his name, we think it is a strong, masculine name, and it seems to fit his rough skinned, lots of hair, big build physique. But in my heart Soren will always be Samuel. I don't know if that makes sense, but in the waiting I often was reminded of Hannah, praying, and weeping in the temple, laying her heart and soul before the Lord, laying one of her deepest longings at his feet. And even though God didn't have to give Hannah a child, He did. He gave her Samuel. Even if he hadn't given Hannah her child, even if he hadn't given me Soren, He still would have been Good, but he chose to give Hannah, and me, what we desired. As my friend Aletha so wonderfully put it, "THIS child was chosen for you at the proper time in God's great plan." And my heart is often overwhelmed with thankfulness, to a God who would choose to give me such an amazing gift. In these moments of thankfulness I am often reminded of how Hannah also gave her child back to God, not just in prayer, and in her heart, but physically. I pray that God will make Soren into a great man of Faith, that Soren will not only be like Samuel to me, but that his character will be like Samuel, that in his heart Soren will also say, 'Speak Lord for your servant hears."
Soren is 3 1/2 months old now and here are some things about this dear boy that I want to share....
- He is the most content baby! He hardly EVER cries, sleeps for long periods of time, lays and coos and plays by himself.
- He will smile ALL the time, and at just about anybody!

- If he does cry, it is only if he is really tired or really hungry.
-He still has lots of hair, although he has lost about half of it, and I can't get it to stay down. It just sticks right up all the time.
-He loves to watch his older brother


-He almost always looks around for his dad the minute he hears his voice, and when he finds him, gets a huge smile on his face.
-Doesn't roll over yet, I think it's because he is just content wherever he is put. Theo never rolled much either.
-He laughs for his dad all the time. Started over a week ago, and I can get him to laugh a little, but Brian can sure get him going.
-Sucks his fingers, A LOT! I am pretty sure he will be a thumb sucker.
-Loves being sung to. Whenever I look right at him and start sing he just lights us, every time.
-Whenever I go to put the soother in his mouth he grabs my hand and holds on. It is so sweet, and I never want to pull away.
-Love's to be in the Ergo, or Moby.
-Overall just seems to love life. :)
If you haven't met him, I hope you do, he will brighten your day I am sure.


(I feel like I should add that we are also so thankful for Theo, even though we didn't have to wait as long for him. I don't feel the same urgency to get pregnant with a third. I don't know why it seemed so hard to wait on God for our second, but that was just my journey and I am thankful for the lessons from God.)

So we are into the full swing of winter months here and no snow yet. Which has been ok, but I am looking forward to some snow soon, just too see the ground white and see it sparkle when the sun shines on it. It would be nice.
I have to say that most of my blogs lack a 'theme' per say, so I guess could mostly be considered stream on consciousness blogs.
Daylight savings time came and so did a restless spirit. Each year I notice the lack of sunlight more and more, and this year was no different, although I think it hit faster. It is not that I struggle with depression, it is more that I just start to feel restless and agitated in the evening, or more like 4:30 when I realize that the sun is almost gone for the day. I'm not sure if Theo feels it too, or if it is just him sensing my restlessness but he has also been more challenging to deal with and more restless himself. I need to sit down and make a list of activities that I can pull out of my hat, that are new, and easy and will help keep him busy for a little while. I have a few ideas, but I need to have a back up plan for these evenings, cause they are not getting any better.
We put our Christmas tree up in an effort to add more light to our living room.


I know that may sound kind of funny but we only have VERY minimal lighting in this apartment, (small ceiling light in corner of the living room, and no overhead light in our bedroom) so we are dependant on lamps, which we don't have many of. And money is in short order right now, so we thought the tree, which is full of light, would be a good solution. Not to mention how cozy everything feels! In true American tradition I have always waited until after American Thanksgiving to put it up, so it feels a bit weird, but the light sure helps!
Speaking of American Thanksgiving, I am disappointed to not be there this year. This is always the hardest holiday to be away from my family for. One because it is a different day, actually a different month, here and so it is not like Christmas where I am doing the same thing, just in a different place, but I am busy and usually not as homesick. Second is because it is a big time family deal for my fam, if you can afford to be there, you are there. It is like a big reunion some years with all my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents, not to mention they all grey up in Italy and know how to cook amazing meals!!! Every year I have missed it there has been hard, it doesn't ever get easier, and in some ways I dread the day, because the homesickness can be overwhelming. Maybe next year though..
I could write a lot more, but when you try and cram at least two weeks of posts you have created in your head all into one, it becomes way too long. SO maybe someday I will blog more often. :) Happy November!

P.S. Love having two boys, I hope they are always good friends.

Friends

This past weekend we got to spend some good quality time with our friends Dave and Jess.
I first met Dave when Brian and I were dating. Dave and Brian had grown up in the same town, but were just then becoming good friends. Dave ended up helping out when Brian proposed, set everything up for us, lit the fireworks and entered into our joy. He drove the loooong drive with Brian down for our wedding and spent the whole week beforehand running around with us, sitting in on our premarital counselling (well not actually sitting in on, but was listening in. haha), fielding phone calls from my grandma and just generally hanging out and making things more fun for us. After we were married it was Brian's mission to see Dave married and he attempted some disastrous set ups which Dave humoured us by participating in. And then Jess came along. Brian would like to think he had a lot to do with them getting together, but really it was a small part. We were so happy to have Jess enter the picture, and I have to say I have rarely seen a couple more suited for each other! We have learned so much through observing their marriage, and their love for one another.
Anyway, we have been SO blessed to have them be a part of our lives. We are not always the greatest of friends, we have not always done our part, but we have been blessed to have Dave and Jess be friends who are not afraid to call us out, to let us know when we are not living up to our part of a friendship, they have loved us enough to not give up on us. They have encouraged us in our marriage, they have rejoiced with us with our children, they have invested in us. We have made some great memories with them and this weekend we got to make more. We stayed overnight at a suite in the mountains, we went on a hike that was maybe a bit more steep then we would have liked, we wiped runny noses, changed poops, took a ton of pictures, finally got kids in bed, stayed up way late to visit, and all around had such a nice time.
All this to say, that sometimes we forget to say how much we appreciate people, and I just wanted to take the time to say how much we have loved having them be part of our journey and we look forward to lots more good times in the future.
Here are a few pics...
Our boys who are 3 months apart. This picture tell a lot about their personality's

Beautiful Girl

Headed up the steep trail

These boys crack me up, they hold hands all the time. :) Such good buds.

Enjoying the view!

Jess and I taking a rest with Soren. :)

OK so just have to vent a little, and then it will be a happy post I promise. I HATE (yes a strong word I know, but it fits here) living in a town where everybody leaves!!!! Seriously, it is just SO hard. I am so serious that I just don't even want to make friends anymore, the motivation is dying people! I know everybody is a general word, and no, not everybody leaves. BUT most people do. This is not a permanent setting for most people. I understand that, we are in the middle of nowhere, there is the college, so obviously people are just here to do their school and move on. This is just getting ridiculously gut wrenching though. Tonight as we hung out with a few of our small group friends to kick off the year, I was thinking about how in the next year and a half 2 more of those couples will be gone, and one already left and it is just so sad. Like really sad, and I know I am someone that tends to lean more to the emotional side, and I feel things really deeply, and I cry fairly easily, but it just aches, and there is no easy answer. I wouldn't trade the richness of knowing these people for anything, the joy, laughter, challenges, truth, love, realness that they bring to my life, it is invaluable! But the goodbyes....I just don't know.

Anyway, this blog is in some serious need of positivity (if that is even a word) SO here are things that I am loving right now.

- Baby snuggles and soft fluffy hair and baby smells! (although this poor poor child has my skin, so sensitive)

- A husband who reads to his children! This guy can out read me sometimes, and for a man who doesn't read himself to try and instil that quality in his children, that is so wonderful!
- A really beautiful fall so far, the weather the last two weeks has been SO nice! (for where we live at least)
-Good friends to laugh with and share life with
- That my dear friend in Africa has better Internet access then she did before she went and it makes the distance seem not quite so bad.
- TEA!

A dear friend of mine introduced me to this tea that her mother-in-law sent her and it is my desert! Typhoo tea, decaf, I LOVE it. I look forward to the time during the day when I can sit down and have my tea while...
- Enjoying the At Home In Mitford books! These are just books about a small town and their everyday life, I love them.

- My two year old's imagination. This kid blows me away with his speech and what he comes up with, he is so funny!
-Amazon's wish list thing and their universal wish list button! Ingenious!
- Mom's Time Out! This group refreshes me, I love it, and it's making me seriously rethink the way we are doing holiday's and where the focus is. Sadly it hasn't been on Christ enough. Things are going to change this year. But all that to say that I love the way this group challenges me and helps me grow and connect with women.
-Pillsbury cookies. I know I know, SO bad for me on SO many levels, but it is like my breastfeeding weakness! I craved these things when I was breastfeeding Theo and now again. I husband has to do serious intervention to get me out of the isle or these out of the shopping cart in the store. lol

Well, there you have it! I do have so much to be thankful for and apart from all these I am SO eternally grateful to a God who chose to save me, to give me a wonderful husband and bless me with two children. I love that he knows me better then I know myself and even if I don't always like his choices for my life, like withholding things from me that I want, I am thankful that I HE is in control!

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. What Soren does while I type..

I am in serious need of an attitude adjustment these days. That and maybe just more time in the Word, or sometime in the Word instead to none. I have not been a very good mother lately, especially today, and I feel sorry for my children.

Vacation was wonderful and I don't ever feel ready to leave the mountains. I feel like I could camp forever. The simplicity, the views, trees, water, mountains, I just can't get enough, ever. Not that I don't think the prairies have a beauty of their own, but I am in LOVE with the mountains. And the trees were changing color's, there are just no words or pictures to do it justice, but the views do something for my soul.

I miss a lot of people tonight. People from back home, my dear dear parents, and my church, dear friends that have left this town. Heaven just gets sweeter the more that I say goodbye. But I am beginning to hate goodbye's more and more. I would never want to hold anyone back from where they are going, but the loss feels so great sometimes, and the voids they leave that are never filled, because there is no one just like them.
Ok, so not a very happy post, but tomorrow is a new day, and thankfully His mercies are new every morning.

Randomness

- I am finally coming out of my haze and feeling more like a normal person again. I don't cry everyday anymore and the c-section still hurts, but I decided that it's time to move on from that, stop focusing on it, and enjoy my two precious boys. So I wear Soren in a wrap even if it hurts, and I hold Theo on my lap even if he elbows me in the stomach every now and then and I would have to say that I am happier.
- Theo adores his brother, asks to hold him all the time, and goes up to him and says, 'Hi sweets, what are you doing sweets? Are you looking at me?' It is so cute. He calls Soren a she, asks what's she's doing or if she's crying. We will have to work on that.

- Talk about monkey see, monkey do, Theo decided he needed to breastfeed his baby like I do Soren. This was a conversation I was not prepared for, so I have just let it be, and figure it will work itself out. I hope, lol. He try's to feed his baby through his belly button and he is very patient about waiting for a burp. It really is funny.


- More of Theo's phrases... He calls chipmunks monkey chips, (lol) and milkshakes are shake-a-milk. I must call Brian honey a lot because he always wants to know 'what honey is doing', or 'where is honey', or says 'I go see honey mom.' He told Brian the other day to ask him a question. So random sometimes.
- Soren smiled at Brian and I both yesterday, he has such a sweet smile. He is still a wonderful baby, fairly easy most of the time. It is weird having another child sometimes, we have almost forgot him in the house twice sitting in his car seat ready to go. He is just so quiet and we are still not used to carting him around. :) But it is fun to look in the back and see two children. Oh and his beautiful head of hair is curly on top when it is wet. Man I love his hair! I am trying not to be too attached to his hair cause there is still a chance he could lose it all. But it is just so great. (Here are some attempts at getting pictures of his great, curly hair)


- We are leaving on Tuesday for a week of camping vacation and I am so beyond excited I can't even tell you. We haven't gotten to get out much this summer, just with my pregnancy and such, so we are headed to the mountains and I am going to take a gazillion pictures and spend every evening in front of the camp fire and watch Theo run and play and get all the outdoor time his little heart can desire. I might even indulge in some S'mores, I hope Soren can tolerate them. :) I know Brian is excited too, and I think we really need this before the cold weather sets in and we are stuck indoors (mostly) for the winter.
- I think that is all for now. I will put pictures up of our trip when we return.

So after Theo was born life was bliss. I held him for the first time and nothing could be wrong with the world after that. For the first time I had a baby, of my own, that I wasn't taking care of for someone else and then would have to give back, he was mine, and I loved it! I thought I would feel the same when I had Soren. Now don't get me wrong, holding him is bliss and oh how I LOVE him! He is just the sweetest big baby and is so good to his mama with all his sleeping. :) But the world doesn't seem as bright as it did after Theo was born.
I know I am in need of an attitude adjustment these days, I feel frustrated more often then not and every time I turn around I feel like there is some limitation that reminds me of why I hate c-sections. I feel like complaining about that a lot. I had a fever on and off all weekend and back pain enough to make me want really strong drugs, which I usually hate and try to avoid at all costs. I feel so behind on everything, and I mean like everything, like life. I can't keep up. It turned fall overnight here and I almost panic inside thinking that winter is so close. I don't mind winter, for about 4 months, but this last one seemed SO looooong to me and I just don't feel ready to do it again. I LOVE fall, I just don't like that winter comes so quickly after it.
Anyway, I just really need to refocus here, remember that I just had a baby and that it's ok to be a bit behind for a while, but I am just finding it hard this time around.
I will end this with some pictures now to try and redeem this pathetic post a little. :)
Theo Loving his bike these days.

3 weeks old and 12lbs now. I hope he levels out by 3 months like Theo did cause I hate that he is growing so fast.

I love his chubby cheeks and his super soft full head of hair!

Soren's Birth Story

So I am finally done and ready to post this. Don’t read it if you don’t like birth stories, cause it is long. And the pictures aren’t really edited, but that would probably take me another two weeks, so we are just going to go with this. And I have to preface with the reminder that with Theo I was induced with cervidal 7 days after my due date, labored for 18hrs and never progressed past 4cm. It ended in a c-section and those who know me know I wanted this baby to come out naturally as much as I wanted this child. :)

Anyway, a week before my due date I was hoping to have gone into labor already and my last two appointments before my due date left me in tears with news that the baby hadn’t dropped, I wasn’t showing any signs of going into labor and I began to fear that my body didn’t know how to go into labor on it’s own and that I was going to end up with a scheduled c-section. I was told to come in on my due date and have a NST and then they would check me and asses what they were going to do. So I went in, baby sounded fabulous, and they checked and I was 1cm and 40% effaced, so they said they would leave me till the 13th and then break my water. I was excited and left with high hopes for the week ahead. I talked to my Doula, Lola, and she asked if I would be up for trying Castor Oil on Tuesday to see if that wouldn’t help, so I agreed.
So Tuesday morning, 5:30am I was awake and decided to just go for it. It makes me feel really sick just to write this, I can’t believe I got that stuff down, but I did. Within an hour I felt nauseous and just awful all over. Castor Oil is thought to take 4 to 5 hours to kick in so I figured it could be a long day. Well, not much happened by noon besides feeling gross all over so I took a nap and figured that it wasn’t working for me.
Fast forward to 4pm and I got one major strong contraction. I didn’t think much of it till I got another one shortly after, and then another until I realized they were every two minutes and I was having a hard time walking or talking through them. Called Brian and my Doula to give them a heads up. By 5 I asked Lola to come over because I didn’t think I was handling the pain all that well and she came and told me to take a bath and see what happened. Well, nothing changed so we decided to go into the local hospital to get checked before driving an hour to the city where I was supposed to deliver. (I was considered high risk because I wanted a vbac and they are short on doctors here in town so they didn’t want me to deliver here)
Enter stage chaos!! We got to the local hospital and encountered the ruddest nurse I have ever met in my life who gave Brian a hard time for bringing me in and made sure we knew that the didn’t do vbac’s there and why didn’t we just go to the city. I think she would have rather me deliver in the car then have it there. She was truly awful and if we would have been there 5 more minutes I would have asked her to leave the room and never come back in. Anyway, this was about 5:30 -6pm and I was 5cm and in active labor with contractions every 2min coming fast and hard. They started to get concerned I wouldn’t make it the hour to the hospital but decided in the end to send me by ambulance. All this time rude nurse barked orders, stabbed (ok maybe not stabbed, but she was evil) me with a second unneccessary IV which was never used, yelled at Lola, snapped at Brian while they tried to help me labor and just all around was awful. So I was happy to see the ambulance crew and get out of there before I blew up at rude nurse.
Ambulance ride was super bumpy, but we got there in 36min, which is great. Better then the old winstar could have done. :)
Anyway, I lost all track of time while I was in labor. I would classify myself as somewhat of a train wreck. lol. I think that comes from expecting it to be like labor with Theo and it turns out it’s a whole other ball game when your child is actually putting pressure on your cervix and coming out. I was not prepared for that kind of pain, and I don’t think I handled it well, I was not impressed with myself. :) So anyway, when I got to this hospital they broke my water almost right away and things continued to move quickly and I think it was around 10pm that my body started pushing, and I was almost 10cm. I pushed for close to two hours and baby just would move down a bit while I was pushing and then go back up again when I stopped, so not much was being accomplished. There are a few things that stand out in my mind during this period of labor. The first is that my husband was SO helpful. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but he really hates hospitals, and seeing me in pain, but he really stayed focused and with it and let me squeeze the life out of his hand, (which he thought I was going to break at one point). The second was how thankful I was to have Lola there. To have the presence of a woman who understands labor and can look at you when you are in pain and say that they understand, and know that it is true, but who can help keep you focused and try and get you to pull it together, it was just invaluable. Not to mention that she was also able to suggest different things for me to try so that I really felt like I was able to give labor my best shot. Best doula ever. :) The last thing I remember is how chaotic that room felt all the time. It was far from a relaxing. In Lola’s words it was like they were waiting for my uterus to erupt at any minute. It was kind of frustrating how uptight everybody seemed, they were nice, but uptight. I had a nurse pushing something into my stomach every contraction to get a read on they baby’s heart rate, even though it was perfect the whole labor, they refused to take the monitor’s off. I think it would be safe to say that Brian and Lola were the only ones in the room focused on helping me try to get the birth I wanted. It was really too bad.
The doc came in around 11:45 I think and suggested it was time for a c-section. (This doctor was the one that was on call and he was a whole other story. Horrible bedside manner, beverly hills smile (Brian’s terminology), laughed a lot, wasn’t helpful at all, I could go on, but I won’t. :)) After talking to Lola and Brian we concluded that this was probably going to be the way it was going to have to be. So within half an hour they had me in surgery. The spinal couldn’t come fast enough at that point, there is nothing like having to push for another 20min knowing that it’s not doing you any good. I was happy to be able to be awake this time and to hear Soren cry when he came out and to see him and kiss his sweet cheeks. When Dr. Horrible Bedside Manners pulled him out all I heard was ‘This kid is a giant!!’. Soren was born at 12:25, August 11, 2010 and was 10lbs 9oz and 21 1/2in long. He has a full head of dark thick hair and is just the cutest chunky newborn ever. He eats like a champ, (at 2 weeks is about 11lbs 5oz.) sleeps like a champ and we are so in love with him.

Some of the best moments ever!


I would have to say that I am of course disappointed that I had a c-section but not in the way I was with Theo. I am so thankful that I got the opportunity to really labor, to push, to feel like I gave it every effort that I could. The disappointment comes more from having to have a surgery, again, and feeling like I didn’t get to give my baby the least traumatic entry into the world and that I didn’t get to feel the satisfaction of having him placed on my chest right away. And oh the pain of a c-section. The recovery is long and hard for me, was the first time, feels even a bit worse this time. I have cried many a time in the last week and a half about the pain that makes it impossible for me to get out of bed without help, unable to wear my baby in a wrap for a while, unable to pick up my firstborn for anything, to get outside much because I can’t do 3 flights of stairs very well. But to hold a newborn, one that is perfectly healthy and eats and sleeps well, that is bliss. And I try to hold on to that in the hard moments, and be thankful that he is here, safe and sound, blessing us with his presence. Soren is my Samuel that I prayed earnestly for and had to learn to wait on God’s timing but God as been merciful to grant us this blessing and we are thankful!


Oh, and the name Soren is one that we had picked for him a year before we even knew he was on the way. We just both loved it right away when we saw it in a baby name book and that it is not super common and sounds masculine. It means thunder, or war. His middle name Cameron is named for Brian’s older brother who died at the age of one from mistakes made in the hospital. It is a sad story, but we wanted to honor his memory.

Thank you to all those who have prayed for me and supported me, as I waited on the Lord to even get pregnant, that felt like a long journey, to praying that I would get the delivery I wanted and that we would have a healthy baby. I am so thankful for the women that God has brought into my life in the last couple years and appreciate so much all the love and support and prayer being offered up on my behalf. I pray I can be such a friend to others.

Love these boys!

I have been putting off blogging so I can put Soren's birth story up, but that is taking some time, so I felt that since I am no longer a lady in waiting that I needed to put something new up here. Baby Tiger is here, our dear Soren Cameron and we are loving having a newborn. It would be a lie to say that it isn't an adjustment for sure and I have had a weepy couple of days, thank you hormones. Overall though it is bliss to hold a newborn in my arms again and to watch T interact with him and want to hold him etc. And I have seen my husband step up and serve and love me and our boys in an amazing way and I feel that I have fallen in love with him all over again. I am so blessed and thankful!
Anyway, I need to go, but the birth story will come soon along with pictures.

Lady in Waiting...

So I am still here, still pregnant. For the most part I am ok with that, but I have my moments where I am just done. It is so nice having my mumsy here, she has been cooking for me, and keeping me company, going for walks with me, rubbing my feet and I think my favorite thing, reading books to my little boy. My least favorite thing about the end of pregnancy is the hormone changes. I go from really happy to irritable, to mad, to wanting to cry about nothing or everything. I feel like I am keeping myself in check a lot to not take these emotions out on people all the time. Still can't wait for that 'newborn high' :) I will be induced (by breaking my water) on Friday if nothing happens this week, so it is nice to have an end in sight, and it is nice they are not just scheduling me for surgery.
So I have been feeling a little sad about the thought that things will change for Little T and I. Of course I am excited and want more children, but the firstborn really has it made and T has had 2 1/2 years of just me. And I sure have enjoyed almost every minute. :) (It would be a lie to say there haven't been rough days.) He is really just so delightful with all his little winsome ways. And man can this kid ever talk. I am not one that likes to brag about T's ability to communicate because I would never ever want another mother to think that I thought less of a child who didn't talk as much. It is not anything that I have done that has made T such a great communicator, it is the way that God made him, and I get the front row seat to watching him excel. And each child's mother gets the distinct privilege of watching and noticing and enhancing the gifts that God has given their children at any given time in their life, and if we don't cheer them on, who will. Anyway, all that to say that T speaks at the level of a 4 year old and he just amazes me with what he understands and responds too. It makes some things more challenging, but overall it is so fun to watch. I have been wanting to record some of his phrases for some time, and I will probably come back and add some as I remember, but here is what I can think of for now.

When he wants to get dressed he says "I get my dressed on." This is one of my favorites.
When Brian would leave for work he used to say all the time 'Go buy some money Papa'
His most common is 'I try some' having to do with food and 'Hold you mommmy' when he wants to be held.

I can't think of any more at the moment, but I will add as I remember. I should probably go get my day started though seeing as it is 10am. A good long walk is in order today too. Come on baby, we can't wait to meet you!!

So I should blog before I read other blogs, because I got on the computer and had energy and things to write about, and then I surfed around a bit, and well, now I am out of energy and don't feel like writing much. Maybe that is ok too though, then I will be more selective about what I write. Maybe. :)
Had a doctor's appointment today and it was disappointing. He is leaving on vacation so unless I am way overdue, I won't see me again this pregnancy, and he is a nice guy. I am not thrilled about going to another complete stranger. But what do you do, doctors need their vacations, I can understand that, and it will always be on somebodies due date. It just seems to be the story of this pregnancy that nothing is going as I imagined. I have learned to be ok with that, but it still comes with moments of feeling disappointed, that is natural I think. And he was going to do a sweep, but couldn't, so that disappointed me. I really want to go into labor this week or the beginning of next and had high hopes. Not that I think it can't still happen, it just didn't seem as promising. Anyway, I am just venting. It took me all the way back from the city to not feel impatient again, to remember that I won't still be pregnant at the end of August (although that seems like an eternity away sometimes) and I am ok now, I know babies come when they are ready. And I am excited that I have a doula, and one that is fantastic! I still think this labor is going to be great. Crazy, I know. I just need to make sure I keep making plans to do stuff each day so I don't feel like my life is on hold and I am sitting around waiting for this baby.
Ok, so I just needed to vent all that, I am glad this day is over, tomorrow is a new day, I will hang out with friends, soak up some sun, enjoy my sweet little 2 year old, and look forward to my mom coming in 5 days!!!!

I read a post yesterday about how you know you are at the end of your pregnancy if... and some of them were so true and so funny. I have been thinking about the things that have been different for me this time and thought I should document some of them.
I always always want to be chewing on ice. My teeth are not loving this so much, which is too bad, cause I could chew ice ALL day otherwise. I have craved pasta noodle and pizza all the time. Oranges were my main companion the first four months and now it is nectarines. I can't get enough of them.
Every time I go pee I hope I hear a big woosh to indicate that my water just broke
I wake up hoping that my stomach will start contracting.
I am actually really excited about going into labor and about my labor in general this time. I think it will be great. (It helps that I have not clue what crowning feels like :) )
They carpet cleaned in our building and I LOVED the smell, and wanted to just sit in the hall and sniff the carpet. hahahaha, So weird I know, and I didn't because I know that it probably would have been so bad for me, so I just walked out the door and tried to not inhale too deeply, but oh it was hard. This is the weirdest thing I think thus far in my pregnancy

I have been getting a little nauseous sometimes on random occasions again, but not too bad so that's good. More then anything I just feel tired ALL the time. Kind of wondering if I am not getting enough iron, but I could go back to bed an hour after I got up. I basically eat and shower and then feel done for the day. I still get spurts of energy during the day, but the overall tiredness takes up a greater part of my day.
I love all the rainy days. I just like rain, and it has helped it not be too hot so that has been great. It does make it a bit harder to keep Theo entertained though. Have to be more creative. Or just go puddle jumping. :) I need to do a post on all the funny things that Theo says, but I don't have the energy today and it is nap time. Maybe tomorrow. I love that boy!!

Randomness

So I was reminded when sitting at a baby shower and talking about blogging how much I really do prefer it to facebook. It is more are a true glimpse into people's lives, a better opportunity for realness. It's also true that it is easier to present only our best selves on our blogs, but for the most part I feel like the blogs I read are people who are real. And I love to read what others write, no matter how ordinary run of the mill kind, everyday life stuff they write about, I enjoy reading. I am just too lazy to keep my own up. Story of my life, I think it is the same with friends for me. So many good intentions, not followed through with. But I will keep trying, trying to maintain and invest in friends, try to keep up a blog. :)

So in baby news Baby Tiger continues to grow. I continue to measure 3-4weeks ahead, but baby is head down and doing well. Sometimes I think he has some secret caffeine drip I don't know about cause he moves like CRAZY! But I love it, all the crazy movements and belly contortions. I am so excited to meet this little one. Since talking with my doula I feel optimistic about this labor and having a v-back. Still dreading being in a big hospital, I don't trust the doctors to have my best interest in mind over their convenience, but I have a voice, and I will use it, and if I have another c-section it won't be because I didn't try everything else. And oh the sweet blissful newborn stage that follows...can't wait. It's hard to be patient in the end, I have high hopes for this baby coming in July, but I am trying to mentally prepare for it not coming early. I am getting closer to being ready for the baby, have been doing lots of nesting lately, but I still have things to do so I can wait a few more weeks. :) Just a few.

Well, I can't remember what else I was going to write about, so I guess that's all for not folks. I will try to add a 36 week prego picture soon. Hard to believe I am 36 weeks already! 4ish weeks to go!

Not the greatest picture quality but this is 36 weeks, measuring 41 :)

So we went to the mountains recently and I was reminded how much I love it there. I feel like I am transported to another place, where life at home is forgotten and I am caught up in the pine trees, and the smells, and the light rains that come and go and of course the majestic mountains that surround you.

It is like life slows down and nothing is more important that watching your little boy run through the woods,

and throw rocks in mountain lakes,

and drives to the next beautiful lake nestled in between mountains, finding hikes that we think we can survive, eating and sitting around that camp fire.




It was beautiful, and I want to move there. :)
Coming back is always hard and it never seems like enough time once you are there. I came back and got a head cold and have had a rather blue week, feeling grumpy, crying, feeling HUGE to put it mildly, and just generally dealing with crazy hormones! It is crazy how much changes in a week, I felt great last week. I know it is all just part of pregnancy, but man, some days...
My husband has been so sweet to me this week and very understanding to my moods and my tears which has helped so much.
Tonight I got dinner on the table for him when he came home and I felt proud, cause sometimes it is the little victories you have to celebrate. It is the most I have felt I accomplished all week.
I can't WAIT to meet this baby. For the first time in this pregnancy I feel SO ready to be done and hold this little (or big) baby. I don't want to wish away this summer, it is going to be over before I know it, but it is hard to enjoy life to the fullest when your energy is cut in half and you are carrying around 20ish pounds more then usual. I am just so excited to have another baby to hold and love and watch grow. Theo has been such a delight and I just can't wait to add to that joy. I had Brian take a few belly pictures for me, I actually love my big torpedo belly, I just don't like that way I look everywhere else. It's going to be even better when I swell, haha, Talk about a beached whale. But I know it is temporary and that is ok, for the sake of another baby I am willing to go through just about anything. Anyway, I will end this with a couple belly pics and next time I write it will probably be about giving birth again, cause I have birthing on the brain these days.