So I should blog before I read other blogs, because I got on the computer and had energy and things to write about, and then I surfed around a bit, and well, now I am out of energy and don't feel like writing much. Maybe that is ok too though, then I will be more selective about what I write. Maybe. :)
Had a doctor's appointment today and it was disappointing. He is leaving on vacation so unless I am way overdue, I won't see me again this pregnancy, and he is a nice guy. I am not thrilled about going to another complete stranger. But what do you do, doctors need their vacations, I can understand that, and it will always be on somebodies due date. It just seems to be the story of this pregnancy that nothing is going as I imagined. I have learned to be ok with that, but it still comes with moments of feeling disappointed, that is natural I think. And he was going to do a sweep, but couldn't, so that disappointed me. I really want to go into labor this week or the beginning of next and had high hopes. Not that I think it can't still happen, it just didn't seem as promising. Anyway, I am just venting. It took me all the way back from the city to not feel impatient again, to remember that I won't still be pregnant at the end of August (although that seems like an eternity away sometimes) and I am ok now, I know babies come when they are ready. And I am excited that I have a doula, and one that is fantastic! I still think this labor is going to be great. Crazy, I know. I just need to make sure I keep making plans to do stuff each day so I don't feel like my life is on hold and I am sitting around waiting for this baby.
Ok, so I just needed to vent all that, I am glad this day is over, tomorrow is a new day, I will hang out with friends, soak up some sun, enjoy my sweet little 2 year old, and look forward to my mom coming in 5 days!!!!

I read a post yesterday about how you know you are at the end of your pregnancy if... and some of them were so true and so funny. I have been thinking about the things that have been different for me this time and thought I should document some of them.
I always always want to be chewing on ice. My teeth are not loving this so much, which is too bad, cause I could chew ice ALL day otherwise. I have craved pasta noodle and pizza all the time. Oranges were my main companion the first four months and now it is nectarines. I can't get enough of them.
Every time I go pee I hope I hear a big woosh to indicate that my water just broke
I wake up hoping that my stomach will start contracting.
I am actually really excited about going into labor and about my labor in general this time. I think it will be great. (It helps that I have not clue what crowning feels like :) )
They carpet cleaned in our building and I LOVED the smell, and wanted to just sit in the hall and sniff the carpet. hahahaha, So weird I know, and I didn't because I know that it probably would have been so bad for me, so I just walked out the door and tried to not inhale too deeply, but oh it was hard. This is the weirdest thing I think thus far in my pregnancy

I have been getting a little nauseous sometimes on random occasions again, but not too bad so that's good. More then anything I just feel tired ALL the time. Kind of wondering if I am not getting enough iron, but I could go back to bed an hour after I got up. I basically eat and shower and then feel done for the day. I still get spurts of energy during the day, but the overall tiredness takes up a greater part of my day.
I love all the rainy days. I just like rain, and it has helped it not be too hot so that has been great. It does make it a bit harder to keep Theo entertained though. Have to be more creative. Or just go puddle jumping. :) I need to do a post on all the funny things that Theo says, but I don't have the energy today and it is nap time. Maybe tomorrow. I love that boy!!

Randomness

So I was reminded when sitting at a baby shower and talking about blogging how much I really do prefer it to facebook. It is more are a true glimpse into people's lives, a better opportunity for realness. It's also true that it is easier to present only our best selves on our blogs, but for the most part I feel like the blogs I read are people who are real. And I love to read what others write, no matter how ordinary run of the mill kind, everyday life stuff they write about, I enjoy reading. I am just too lazy to keep my own up. Story of my life, I think it is the same with friends for me. So many good intentions, not followed through with. But I will keep trying, trying to maintain and invest in friends, try to keep up a blog. :)

So in baby news Baby Tiger continues to grow. I continue to measure 3-4weeks ahead, but baby is head down and doing well. Sometimes I think he has some secret caffeine drip I don't know about cause he moves like CRAZY! But I love it, all the crazy movements and belly contortions. I am so excited to meet this little one. Since talking with my doula I feel optimistic about this labor and having a v-back. Still dreading being in a big hospital, I don't trust the doctors to have my best interest in mind over their convenience, but I have a voice, and I will use it, and if I have another c-section it won't be because I didn't try everything else. And oh the sweet blissful newborn stage that follows...can't wait. It's hard to be patient in the end, I have high hopes for this baby coming in July, but I am trying to mentally prepare for it not coming early. I am getting closer to being ready for the baby, have been doing lots of nesting lately, but I still have things to do so I can wait a few more weeks. :) Just a few.

Well, I can't remember what else I was going to write about, so I guess that's all for not folks. I will try to add a 36 week prego picture soon. Hard to believe I am 36 weeks already! 4ish weeks to go!

Not the greatest picture quality but this is 36 weeks, measuring 41 :)

So we went to the mountains recently and I was reminded how much I love it there. I feel like I am transported to another place, where life at home is forgotten and I am caught up in the pine trees, and the smells, and the light rains that come and go and of course the majestic mountains that surround you.

It is like life slows down and nothing is more important that watching your little boy run through the woods,

and throw rocks in mountain lakes,

and drives to the next beautiful lake nestled in between mountains, finding hikes that we think we can survive, eating and sitting around that camp fire.




It was beautiful, and I want to move there. :)
Coming back is always hard and it never seems like enough time once you are there. I came back and got a head cold and have had a rather blue week, feeling grumpy, crying, feeling HUGE to put it mildly, and just generally dealing with crazy hormones! It is crazy how much changes in a week, I felt great last week. I know it is all just part of pregnancy, but man, some days...
My husband has been so sweet to me this week and very understanding to my moods and my tears which has helped so much.
Tonight I got dinner on the table for him when he came home and I felt proud, cause sometimes it is the little victories you have to celebrate. It is the most I have felt I accomplished all week.
I can't WAIT to meet this baby. For the first time in this pregnancy I feel SO ready to be done and hold this little (or big) baby. I don't want to wish away this summer, it is going to be over before I know it, but it is hard to enjoy life to the fullest when your energy is cut in half and you are carrying around 20ish pounds more then usual. I am just so excited to have another baby to hold and love and watch grow. Theo has been such a delight and I just can't wait to add to that joy. I had Brian take a few belly pictures for me, I actually love my big torpedo belly, I just don't like that way I look everywhere else. It's going to be even better when I swell, haha, Talk about a beached whale. But I know it is temporary and that is ok, for the sake of another baby I am willing to go through just about anything. Anyway, I will end this with a couple belly pics and next time I write it will probably be about giving birth again, cause I have birthing on the brain these days.

Pics

Theo looking distressed

Out for a family quad ride

"No picture mommy"

29 weeks

I think that my posts are probably all too serious, but whatever, I can't help it, this is how I process. I would write more but all my fabulous posts are created when I am already in bed and if I get up to type them out then I would never get to sleep and well, sleep is essential these days. So they remain in my head. :)
So tough times these days. I have to admit that I am realizing how much I am someone that really likes to look like I have it all together, or that our marriage is great or that I am a good mom. I don't mind being real with people, but I am realizing how much I don't want to be too real, or too honest, because then someone might realize how ugly my sin is, or how much I am inconsistent as a parent, or how selfish I am as a wife. It's painful to feel exposed. Brian and I have had to face some tough things these last two weeks, and I have had to face the fact that sometimes there is no hiding the ugliness and the pain that can come from living side by side as two sinners. I have felt more anger and more love for Brian then I thought possible, at the same time. And it is true that love has the ability to preserve a relationship, to keep you from saying and doing things that you would regret when not in the heat of the moment. I have been amazed but thankful for the love God gave me for my husband. Part of wanting to maintain a sort of perfect image is wanting people to believe that my husband is perfect too, because I know how harshly I judge him for his faults (too harshly!) and I figure others will do the same. Not that I need to talk badly about him or air his dirty laundry, I do want to respect him by speaking well of him, but he is no more perfect then I am, and that's ok.
Anyway, all that too say that life went from predictable and somewhat stable to being unpredictable and unsettling. And it has meant once again letting go of things that I once dreamed possible for this year. As I struggle through letting go, and grieving through letting go, and being heart broken over the ugliness of sin and selfishness I have been reminded of something my dad once said. It was something to the effect that God is more concerned about our process of sanctification then about the momentary want or desire of our hearts. It's not that he doesn't care about the things that matter to us, about the things we dream of (like actually living in a house someday, having five or more children and delivering most of them naturally) but he cares more that we become like him. And sometimes we can't have what we want right now, because it wouldn't stretch us, it wouldn't call us out of ourselves. Oh how I want those things I want, I want my dreams fulfilled, exactly how I want them, and there are more moments then not when I am not thankful for these hard lessons, these times when things are withheld that I desire so much. But it is comforting to know that at least someone is in control, and that really, there isn't anything that is for nothing. That is my comfort on the bad days, and I am thankful that God loves me, more then I know.

I don't mean to make this longer, but we need some lightness around here, and it is about time I put some pictures on. My little boy is growing so fast right before my eyes and I just love him to pieces. Today he was trying to sing 'Jesus loves me' 'Jesus loves the little children' and 'Deep and Wide' all togethers. It came out something like 'Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to him belong..Yes Jesus loves me, Jesus loves the little children, deep and wide..." Haha, so sweet, I love hearing him sing! I hope he loves music! I could go on and on I am sure, but I should finish this and go get something done. :) Here are some pictures...

So I am really having a hard time lately, and I just need to get this out there. I would love to write about all that God is teaching me and be spiritual but the reality is that I am really struggling. I feel like most people that I know get what they want, they get to get pregnant when they want, they get the delivery that they want. I do know that many many women out there don't get to get pregnant when they want and some are never able to get pregnant at all. I know that some women have horrible deliveries and some deliver their babies right to Jesus. But in my circle of people that I know personally, it feels like they get what they want.
I just don't get why this is so hard for me to let go of, but somehow I feel that if I fight to get pregnant when I want and if I try to get the midwife or doctor that I want that it will help somehow. But in reality, it hasn't helped me ONE BIT!! I didn't get pregnant for a year and a half after I wanted to, and I didn't get ONE single doctor I asked for!!! And it sucks, I feel angry, I just want to feel like I am in control, and I am not. I know that God knows how many children I will have and how I will deliver each one, and somehow I think that maybe, just maybe, if I just let it all go, that it might not be stressful, but somehow I have convinced myself that fighting for control of all this will help. And it isn't helping, I am trying to pin a wave on the sand here. This is out of my hands and I am sick of being reminded of that. I still want to hang on to what I want, thinking that it will make a difference, but knowing with dread that it won't make one single little bit of difference.
Again, I don't know why this is so hard for me to get. I have not faith obviously, and you would think that after a year and a half of wrestling with God and wondering if he would ever give me another child would have taught me something about trust and something about the God I am trusting. It really is the same thing, getting pregnant and delivery. The struggle to relinquish and admit that God is in control, and that he SHOULD be, and that it is better that way, it is still there. I never worry about Theo, and if something will happen to him, or that God would take him away, or even this little one in me. It is just these two things I can't seem to get a grip on. And it is humiliating, and humbling to recognize how little I trust my Saviour, when I should be ready to trust him with every little detail of my life, because of who he is! He is a good God, if he ever gave me children, or gives me more, he is still a good God! He is still a good God even if I have another C-section. And he is worthy of my trust....
But I just want to hold on to what I want....

"Easy is what I call this, who knows what easy means.
The more I try to make this happen, the less it's clear to me.
The hope that keeps me moving, is in your promises to me.
And right that's enough, it's going to have to be.

Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No, sometimes that's the way it goes,
Your not giving any secrets away. Who's to know, Who's to blame
Sometimes it's hard to live this way. Holding on, letting go, when it's
Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No.

I wanna know just what it looks like, what the answer's gonna be.
I wanna grab a hold of something, to give me some security.
I know it's You I'm hearing, gently helping me to see,
When everything I've prayed for, is not Your will for me.

Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No, sometimes that's the way it goes,
Your not giving any secrets away. Who's to know, Who's to blame
Sometimes it's hard to live this way, holding on, letting go, when it's
Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No.

It's not poetic justice, that has me waiting all this while.
It's the way a loving Father, deals with His child.
So this is how I'm learning, holding on, and letting go.
When it's Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No. "

~ Jill Paquette - Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No