So we moved this last weekend, it was horrible. Probably the worst week of the whole year. I do not recommend moving twice in six months, not good for a body. I don't think I had recovered from the last move. Anyway, it is almost over and we are S l o w l y getting settled, but Brian and Theo have been sick so that makes it hard to get much done. Theo needs to be snuggled and I need Brian's muscles to get things moved around, so we are stuck in chaos for the moment.
So I have really been struggling with the whole infertility thing. I am watching people have babies who got pregnant like 6 months after we started trying for number 2! And most people are starting to have their second. It makes me ache, and it's painful. There is nothing I am more passionate about then being a mother, I want a WHOLE house full of kids and I want them spaced apart so that they are born by the last child's second birthday. It seems like everybody around here gets to have their kids the exact spacing that they were hoping for, so why not me? How could God possibly think it was best for kids to be more then two years apart? How could he possibly have something better in mind for me then me having lots of children? I know all the scriptural answers to these things, I have just felt like allowing the anger and bitterness dominate in my mind lately. And it is showing all through my spirit and attitude and life. In a little over a week it is beginning to overwhelm and consume me. It is scary. Up until tonight I haven't cared. But then I got my daily portion of manna.
You know how when they Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years and God sent them daily manna? Notice that it wasn't weekly manna, or monthly manna, it was daily manna! He knew that the daily manna was the best portion for them. He didn't give them too much or too little, just enough for ONE day! Well, I read a book once about how when we struggle with things, mostly unmet desires, God wants to meet us where our hearts are, in the things we desire. (And another interesting thing here is that often the things that we desire are good things, like more children, but that doesn't mean we get them)Well, one of the ways God meets us is by sending us daily manna, to continue to make us aware of his presence and remind us of his love. Today I got a note from a friend that I don't talk with much. She had seen some of my facebook status's and sensed my discouragement. She said that God had laid me on her heart, and she sent me a card, shared her heart and gave me this quote, "We hold God's name in contempt when we fail to trust Him." Wow was that ever enough to jerk me out of this funk back to the truth about who God is. My sinful reactions to life's situations bring dishonor to him. His glory is at stake.
"God forgive me for my attitude, help me to trust, and help me not the think small thoughts about You. And thank you for my daily manna that you knew I needed!"
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